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Rejected

One day,

when I’m finally free

and you gather to mourn my escape

from this captivity that you call “life,”

don’t say you wish you knew. 

Don’t tell people,

with tears in your eyes,

all the ways you would have helped

if I had just come to you. 

Because I fucked up. 

I left some evidence last night,

and I didn’t realize until I saw you 

watching the patch of dirty red

contrasting with my faded jeans. 

I was ready for you to approach me

or call someone

or take me somewhere. 

Until I looked into your eyes

and watched you convince yourself

that it wasn’t real

Because it’s easier for you to 

lie to yourself

than to accept what I’ve become. 

It explains so much, though. 

You can’t love 

What you don’t understand

and those bridges behind me 

might be burning,

But the fire started on the other side. 

One day, I’ll be stranded

And when your siege 

becomes my demise

You’ll look regretfully at the ashes

That used to connect us

And wonder when they fell apart.  

But I know. 

And when I die, 

Alone

Afraid

Unloved

The last thing that I’ll see

Will be your face 

As you chose your pride 

Over my mental stability

And I can almost smell the kerosene

As you turn away

And drop the match. 

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Posted by on May 28, 2015 in Dark, Dysfunctional, Poems

 

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Apology Excepted (and that’s grammatically correct)

I’m sorry

that I didn’t believe you when you said

You loved me

You cared about me

You wanted to be there for me

But I thought you were lying 

How could I not?

All I’ve ever known is people who

Lie

Cheat

Steal

Fake

Break Promises

Why would I ever expect you to be

Different?

Except,

You didn’t tell me that you loved me

Unconditionally

that you cared about me

Uniquely

that you wanted to be there for me

Unendingly

I’m sorry 

That it took me so long 

to understand

but I just couldn’t rationalize the idea

that you were capable of being This

with the picture

that you always taught me to see

I’m sorry

that I believed you when you told me

that because you were different,

you would never do the same things

I’m sorry 

that you only care about me

If it would reflect badly on you 

if you didn’t. 

Except,

you’ll never hear this

and you’ll never see this

because I’m not talking to you. 

I’m talking to the Me that still believes you

Because one day,

She’ll have to be the one

Apologizing,

And I’m sorry

that she had to go through that. 

Except,

She isn’t me anymore. 

Maybe she never was

 
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Posted by on January 15, 2015 in Dysfunctional, Poems

 

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Dragon Slayer, Demoted

If I wanted your help,

I’d put it where you can see

But I cried out for weeks

And you didn’t hear me

I’m past your religion

Because all I see is “Good,

upright people” who care

about what they think they should

I can’t talk to my friends

They’ll just take it to you

You don’t know who I am

You won’t know what to do

I’ll end up in a cell

With a shrink and some pills

That’s the part I can’t take:

It’s not depression that kills

It’s intending to fix me

Where there’s nothing wrong

You don’t carry my weakness

You attack where I’m strong

And you break down my will

You tear open a cage

What you freed isn’t me, though,

It’s what kept me enslaved

But you don’t hear my warning

Like you ever do

How can you kill my monsters

When the biggest one is you?

 
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Posted by on December 30, 2014 in Dark, Poems

 

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