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Natural Masochist

Because

I drove twenty miles to where you are

Just to be alone

After I trusted you

After I believed in the lies that I knew you were telling

After I gave you the shirt off my back

You couldn’t give me a hug?

You couldn’t ask me what I wanted

Instead of getting frustrated and Giving Up

(And that’s another promise broken)

Because your way didn’t work

Instead of spewing abuse and hatred

Because I was crying uncontrollably

Instead of even thanking me for coming through for you

Like I always have.

Sometimes you used to thank me, at least

Because I did everything you asked

Every. Damn. Thing.

And you just kept asking for more

Because you turned out to be shallow

Because you only wanted to use me

Because now that you have money, you don’t need me

Because you left me broken and broke

And falling so fast that

I don’t even notice

The warning signs surrounding the edge

Because when I stepped over the precipice

I thought I was falling into love

Not jumping to my death

I can see the ground racing toward me

I can point out with certainty

Which one of the small rocks will be the one

To pierce my brain first

To end my life

I have time to think back and realize

That I wouldn’t have jumped

But you gave me that push that I needed

I have just enough time before my suicide to realize

That it really should be a homicide

That you killed me slowly, starting the day we met

Before my body collides against the earth

And all I can think of is you.

Gravity crushing my mass to the ground

Is nothing compared to being wrapped up in your arms

The cold, hard ground

Could learn a thing or two from your perfect, strong build

The stones digging through my skin

Are gentler than your fingertips were that one time when I took that curve too fast

And this road rash tearing off my skin?

Pales in comparison to the feel of your hand in my hair on a lazy morning.

Yes

You won

You broke me,

Totally and completely

You have a power over me that I swore I’d never give another person

And all I want,

In this last fleeting instant

Before I’m completely and utterly destroyed

Is the chance to go back to the day we met

And do it all over again.

 
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Posted by on June 15, 2017 in Dark, Poems

 

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Dragon Slayer, Demoted

If I wanted your help,

I’d put it where you can see

But I cried out for weeks

And you didn’t hear me

I’m past your religion

Because all I see is “Good,

upright people” who care

about what they think they should

I can’t talk to my friends

They’ll just take it to you

You don’t know who I am

You won’t know what to do

I’ll end up in a cell

With a shrink and some pills

That’s the part I can’t take:

It’s not depression that kills

It’s intending to fix me

Where there’s nothing wrong

You don’t carry my weakness

You attack where I’m strong

And you break down my will

You tear open a cage

What you freed isn’t me, though,

It’s what kept me enslaved

But you don’t hear my warning

Like you ever do

How can you kill my monsters

When the biggest one is you?

 
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Posted by on December 30, 2014 in Dark, Poems

 

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Cause of Death: Life

I know the truth. 

The secret to life

is to not fear death

it’s coming for us,

but it’s not the bad guy. 

Have you seen Life?

Have you looked it in the eye

and seen hoe little

it cares?

I have

I looked at life,

And I saw the truth. 

Life is not about living 

Life is about dying

Just because you

don’t want me to be right

doesn’t make me wrong

so pay up 

Life’s a bitch

but she’s Death’s bitch. 

They’re in this together

They aren’t at odds

Life = Death

And that’s the truth

So when I bite the bullet

I don’t want it to be

because Life

forced a gun

between my teeth

I’d rather put it there

myself, but

Not just yet. 

Life’s a game,

but she’s Death’s game. 

The stakes are too high

It’s all-in or get out

But I’ll bluff

Just to see

If anyone cares enough 

To stop the inevitable

Because 

I don’t want to die

The thing is,

if I had a reason to stay,

I wouldn’t be flirting 

with leaving. 

That’s the truth. 

 
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Posted by on December 18, 2014 in Dark, Poems

 

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