Natural Masochist

Because

I drove twenty miles to where you are

Just to be alone

After I trusted you

After I believed in the lies that I knew you were telling

After I gave you the shirt off my back

You couldn’t give me a hug?

You couldn’t ask me what I wanted

Instead of getting frustrated and Giving Up

(And that’s another promise broken)

Because your way didn’t work

Instead of spewing abuse and hatred

Because I was crying uncontrollably

Instead of even thanking me for coming through for you

Like I always have.

Sometimes you used to thank me, at least

Because I did everything you asked

Every. Damn. Thing.

And you just kept asking for more

Because you turned out to be shallow

Because you only wanted to use me

Because now that you have money, you don’t need me

Because you left me broken and broke

And falling so fast that

I don’t even notice

The warning signs surrounding the edge

Because when I stepped over the precipice

I thought I was falling into love

Not jumping to my death

I can see the ground racing toward me

I can point out with certainty

Which one of the small rocks will be the one

To pierce my brain first

To end my life

I have time to think back and realize

That I wouldn’t have jumped

But you gave me that push that I needed

I have just enough time before my suicide to realize

That it really should be a homicide

That you killed me slowly, starting the day we met

Before my body collides against the earth

And all I can think of is you.

Gravity crushing my mass to the ground

Is nothing compared to being wrapped up in your arms

The cold, hard ground

Could learn a thing or two from your perfect, strong build

The stones digging through my skin

Are gentler than your fingertips were that one time when I took that curve too fast

And this road rash tearing off my skin?

Pales in comparison to the feel of your hand in my hair on a lazy morning.

Yes

You won

You broke me,

Totally and completely

You have a power over me that I swore I’d never give another person

And all I want,

In this last fleeting instant

Before I’m completely and utterly destroyed

Is the chance to go back to the day we met

And do it all over again.

 

After The Sunset

I guard my baby brother’s bed

I watch it every night 

I keep away the nightmares

And make everything alright

I listen for each whimper

And I strain to hear him cry

Every time he seems upset

I sing him his lullaby 

He doesn’t like it when it storms

I hug him when it does

And when he wakes up in the morning

He will know he’s safe and loved

I’ll never leave my brother’s side 

I couldn’t stand the strain

I’m living with the memory

Of the time he slipped away

He was lying in my arms

The day the summons came

I wished him a safe journey 

To the place we’d meet again

We buried him that weekend

I refused to go back home

He might be somewhere better. 

I’ll make sure he’s not alone. 

I guard my baby brother’s grave

I watch it every night

He may be six feet lower

But I’m always by his side

 

Lost

Stop making everything poetic, Hailee. 

When people shorten your name,

You become a natural weapon

That inspires fear

And suggests destruction 

And maybe you don’t believe in 

Destiny

Or fate

But I think that says something 

Don’t keep fighting yourself

You’ll never win

 

Rejected

One day,

when I’m finally free

and you gather to mourn my escape

from this captivity that you call “life,”

don’t say you wish you knew. 

Don’t tell people,

with tears in your eyes,

all the ways you would have helped

if I had just come to you. 

Because I fucked up. 

I left some evidence last night,

and I didn’t realize until I saw you 

watching the patch of dirty red

contrasting with my faded jeans. 

I was ready for you to approach me

or call someone

or take me somewhere. 

Until I looked into your eyes

and watched you convince yourself

that it wasn’t real

Because it’s easier for you to 

lie to yourself

than to accept what I’ve become. 

It explains so much, though. 

You can’t love 

What you don’t understand

and those bridges behind me 

might be burning,

But the fire started on the other side. 

One day, I’ll be stranded

And when your siege 

becomes my demise

You’ll look regretfully at the ashes

That used to connect us

And wonder when they fell apart.  

But I know. 

And when I die, 

Alone

Afraid

Unloved

The last thing that I’ll see

Will be your face 

As you chose your pride 

Over my mental stability

And I can almost smell the kerosene

As you turn away

And drop the match. 

 

Apology Excepted (and that’s grammatically correct)

I’m sorry

that I didn’t believe you when you said

You loved me

You cared about me

You wanted to be there for me

But I thought you were lying 

How could I not?

All I’ve ever known is people who

Lie

Cheat

Steal

Fake

Break Promises

Why would I ever expect you to be

Different?

Except,

You didn’t tell me that you loved me

Unconditionally

that you cared about me

Uniquely

that you wanted to be there for me

Unendingly

I’m sorry 

That it took me so long 

to understand

but I just couldn’t rationalize the idea

that you were capable of being This

with the picture

that you always taught me to see

I’m sorry

that I believed you when you told me

that because you were different,

you would never do the same things

I’m sorry 

that you only care about me

If it would reflect badly on you 

if you didn’t. 

Except,

you’ll never hear this

and you’ll never see this

because I’m not talking to you. 

I’m talking to the Me that still believes you

Because one day,

She’ll have to be the one

Apologizing,

And I’m sorry

that she had to go through that. 

Except,

She isn’t me anymore. 

Maybe she never was

 

Dragon Slayer, Demoted

If I wanted your help,

I’d put it where you can see

But I cried out for weeks

And you didn’t hear me

I’m past your religion

Because all I see is “Good,

upright people” who care

about what they think they should

I can’t talk to my friends

They’ll just take it to you

You don’t know who I am

You won’t know what to do

I’ll end up in a cell

With a shrink and some pills

That’s the part I can’t take:

It’s not depression that kills

It’s intending to fix me

Where there’s nothing wrong

You don’t carry my weakness

You attack where I’m strong

And you break down my will

You tear open a cage

What you freed isn’t me, though,

It’s what kept me enslaved

But you don’t hear my warning

Like you ever do

How can you kill my monsters

When the biggest one is you?

 

Paradox

One of the 

strangest 

Things about life

is that

despite how hard you fight the 

Demons,

Sometimes

The only way to kill them

is to create more. 

One of the 

strangest

Things about demons

is that

The ones you create

to protect yourself

will

invariably

turn on you. 

But you’ll discover that

They Are Invincible. 

One of the

strangest 

Things about chance

is that it’s never in your favor

The one time

Something you made

Actually works,

Is when it’s trying to kill you

But at that point, 

You’re grateful

Because that’s just another thing 

That you were too weak

To do

Yourself

Have you ever sunk so low

that you found yourself 

indebted to a demon 

For taking your life?

 

Cause of Death: Life

I know the truth. 

The secret to life

is to not fear death

it’s coming for us,

but it’s not the bad guy. 

Have you seen Life?

Have you looked it in the eye

and seen hoe little

it cares?

I have

I looked at life,

And I saw the truth. 

Life is not about living 

Life is about dying

Just because you

don’t want me to be right

doesn’t make me wrong

so pay up 

Life’s a bitch

but she’s Death’s bitch. 

They’re in this together

They aren’t at odds

Life = Death

And that’s the truth

So when I bite the bullet

I don’t want it to be

because Life

forced a gun

between my teeth

I’d rather put it there

myself, but

Not just yet. 

Life’s a game,

but she’s Death’s game. 

The stakes are too high

It’s all-in or get out

But I’ll bluff

Just to see

If anyone cares enough 

To stop the inevitable

Because 

I don’t want to die

The thing is,

if I had a reason to stay,

I wouldn’t be flirting 

with leaving. 

That’s the truth.